Big Change

I was barely awake when the familiar voice I have heard only a few times before in my life said,

“One of the biggest changes of your life will happen in a few days.”

This is the voice I heard when I was 17 years old and swimming in the ocean. I had gotten pulled under somehow by a deep current and it spun me around. I couldn’t tell which way was up and started to panic that I would drown. That was the first time I recall hearing that voice. It said, “stand up”. I couldn’t tell which way was up or down so I just stretched my body out as long as I could. My feet struck the bottom and I stood up out of the water. If I had drowned, it wouldn’t been in water only up to my waist.

The second time, I was in my early 20’s. I was meditating a little in between teaching class. It was sometime in the fall. “Your daughter will be born in two years.” Epiphany was born in the fall two years later.

The third time I heard it, I had gotten a massage from a friend in Billings, Montana. It was early evening, still light out and beautiful weather. I lived only about a mile away from where I got the massage and I was happy I had planned to walk home. I felt so euphoric that I could feel my energy beaming out of me as I walked. After making it only about half a block, I looked up and saw a white van slow down and pull to my side of the road in front of me. The voice came again, “turn around and go back.” I abruptly turned and walked back to the building behind me. It was a restaurant with high windows. As I walked to stand by the windows and call my sister to ask her to come pick me up, I saw the van again. It had circled the block and come back. I could see the man driving it looking back and forth and then shaking his head angrily that he had lost me.

There have been other significant events in which the voice didn’t come. The day I heard the news that my father had cancer and my grandmother had died, I had a strange and sudden burst of happiness, seemingly out of nowhere. That burst happened again briefly just before my car died as well.

The news of my dad’s cancer came around the same time I learned of my cousin also being diagnosed with it. They were both stage 4. But, something in me knew my cousin would live and my father would not. Of course, I kept that to myself as much as I could.

So, what do I do with this information this time?

I don’t feel as if I’m in danger.

There is no euphoria feeling preemptive to a loss.

My mind is searching for answers of course. Going to the fears.

Is it my daughter? My wife? My mother? My daughter’s father? Something with my sister?My work?

We are moving our home in a week. But that doesn’t feel like it.

On my walk this morning I was greeted by a crow. He flew and perched just next us (me and my dog Myles) and didn’t move as we walked past. He didn’t speak, just looked at me.

I said hello. As I wondered if perhaps he was a raven, not a crow, he flew away. There were many spider webs today along the path too. Unusual for that walk. And, it was very quiet. Hardly any people on campus when I walked through. They had set up a tent and chairs for what looked to be a graduation. Maybe that was a clue?

Weirdly, I don’t feel deeply anxious. I have a steady calmness flowing from my heart. Maybe there is no more to feel today.

I will discover it soon enough.

From Google: “The crow totem is a sign of luck…contrary to popular belief, it’s not just an omen of death and destruction. It’s actually a sign that change is coming."