The Adele song playing in my head
Through the entire walk this morning.
When I asked my body
How to be gentle with this process
I tried singing a little.
And remembered someone else in my life
She brought such lightness and joy
And made me laugh.
I checked in with my fat cells
They were feeling a little stirred up.
I asked how they would feel with less adipose
I got a feeling like famine or starvation.
That’s not going to work.
I asked how they could be most optimal.
I felt the rhythms of the seasons
And fluctuations of energy stores
My fat cells would be optimal
With a little yearly fluctuation.
Okay, let’s try for that.
The birds weren’t on their wire today.
I walked a different road
For some reason
And I found them in a murmuration
They circled and swayed above my head
Following some invisible current
Exactly in unison
Three tiny birds followed their own pattern
At the same time, in the same sky
There were a few near misses.
But they never hit.
There are invisible forces all around
That are as real as gravity
I know my body can feel these
And react to them, without my noticing.
I wonder how much my fat is in murmuration
With the forces and rhythms around me
That I can’t see or feel.
When I still my attention and focus on just feeling
My body feels tuned in, with great capacity
Like an instrument that could play
Nearly any song.
Body, are you using my fat to protect me?
Sensation of stores of energy in my stomach, arms and thighs
Filled with heavy energy, dense and chaotic
Like I stumbled into a sticky mess
And have been carrying it around without noticing.
This was never mine to carry.
And it feels bad.
A minute ago my fat felt like wonderful, juicy potential.
What is going on?
Maybe I am an instrument
And different vibrations can play through me.
A bigger me feels less able to
Quickly change the song.
Like I’m working against
A heavier momentum.
What a crazy, interesting ride.