• Dr. Aubrey Wallace

Let me down gently


The Adele song playing in my head

Through the entire walk this morning.

When I asked my body

How to be gentle with this process

It replied,

Sing!

I tried singing a little.

And remembered someone else in my life

Singing yesterday.

She brought such lightness and joy

And made me laugh.

I checked in with my fat cells

They were feeling a little stirred up.

I asked how they would feel with less adipose

I got a feeling like famine or starvation.

Hmmmm.

That’s not going to work.

I asked how they could be most optimal.

I felt the rhythms of the seasons

And fluctuations of energy stores

My fat cells would be optimal

With a little yearly fluctuation.

Okay, let’s try for that.

*****

The birds weren’t on their wire today.

I walked a different road

For some reason

And I found them in a murmuration

They circled and swayed above my head

Following some invisible current

Exactly in unison

Three tiny birds followed their own pattern

At the same time, in the same sky

There were a few near misses.

But they never hit.

There are invisible forces all around

That are as real as gravity

I know my body can feel these

And react to them, without my noticing.

I wonder how much my fat is in murmuration

With the forces and rhythms around me

That I can’t see or feel.

When I still my attention and focus on just feeling

My body feels tuned in, with great capacity

Like an instrument that could play

Nearly any song.

Body, are you using my fat to protect me?

Sensation of stores of energy in my stomach, arms and thighs

Filled with heavy energy, dense and chaotic

Like I stumbled into a sticky mess

And have been carrying it around without noticing.

This was never mine to carry.

And it feels bad.

A minute ago my fat felt like wonderful, juicy potential.

What is going on?

Maybe I am an instrument

And different vibrations can play through me.

Sometimes beautiful.

Sometimes toxic.

A bigger me feels less able to

Quickly change the song.

Like I’m working against

A heavier momentum.

What a crazy, interesting ride.


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